Could Have Been
by Quaggy
Summary: What if what happened hadn't actually happened...


Title: Could Have Been  
Rating: PG  
Originally published: Sept. 2, 2006

* * *

.

You are haunted by _what could have been_. Not by the decisions you made, but the ones that were made for you. What if things had happened differently? What if history had marched in a different direction? Would you have wound up here? You seriously doubt it.

_If Matt Santos had won the nomination…_

There was a moment when Baker looked like he was determined to see the whole write-in ballot thing through. But cooler heads prevailed and he agreed to accept Russell's offer to be his running mate. And Bob Russell became the Democratic Party's candidate for President.

But Josh still wouldn't run the campaign, even when you swallowed your pride and asked him personally at Will's request. He wasn't bitter about it. "If I'd wanted to see Bob Russell in the Oval Office, I never would have flown to Texas. Now all that's left for me to do is to stomach voting for Bingo Bob and to prepare for a Republican White House," he had said with a resigned smile.

So you went your separate ways. You, as Will's right hand, to get the new Democratic candidate elected. Josh, as the prodigal son returning to the Bartlet fold, to plan the taking back of Congress. It worked out for the best. You don't know what President Bartlet would have done if Josh hadn't been there to defend and protect the administration when they were betrayed by one of their own. As Special Advisor to the President, Josh used the ambiguity of his job to his advantage. You never thought you'd see Josh back into the Press Room after the whole "Secret Plan to Fight Inflation" thing, but he had grown tremendously on the campaign trail. He had a new gravitas that surprised you. You no longer recognized your old boss.

_If Arnold Vinick had lost the election…  
_  
The only Democrat that could have ever beaten Arnold Vinick flat out was ineligible due to term limits. And Bob Russell was no Jed Bartlet. He wasn't even close. Even a nuclear meltdown wouldn't have been able to put him into office. It would come down to Texas. And only a native son could have convinced the Lone Star state to vote for anyone other than Vinick.

The fallout could have been worse. The Democrats won back both the House and the Senate, mostly thanks to Josh's tireless efforts. Not that he looked on that night as his moment of triumph. Leo McGarry had passed away Election Night, robbing it of any joy. You saw him briefly at the funeral and he just seemed burnt out. He spent most of the evening quietly conversing with CJ, Charlie and Annabeth. You think he talked to Will more than he talked to you. But you took comfort in the fact that only person he seemed to be actively trying to avoid was Amy Gardner.

You weren't surprised when it was announced that Josh would be taking a job as an Assistant Professor at Columbia. Politics in practice had clearly lost its attraction for him.

_If you had actually worked together…_

You needed to be around him for longer than ten minute stretches at Democratic functions for your grudge to thaw. And he needed to be around you to realize that you might have left the job, but your heart was still his for the taking. Those things don't come out in five minutes of polite conversation at fundraisers. But, after some initial awkwardness, you got along fine. Josh always did get along well with his ex-girlfriends, which is apparently how you're classified, even though you never got a chance to experience the benefits.

It was ironic, really. For the first time, there was nothing standing in your way. But too much time had passed. Too much water had flowed under that particular bridge. You could never get comfortable enough with him to let him know how much you still cared about him. At some point, he stopped waiting for you and moved on.  
_  
…then you could have avoided this fate.  
_  
You think you saw the exact moment he fell in love with someone else. They were both guests on some show you happened to catch one Sunday morning. She was a humanitarian who involved herself in all sorts of charities and non-profits. Tall with dark brown hair, she was attractive, but not what you would call gorgeous. But she spoke with a passion and empathy that made her absolutely stunning. The camera cut back to him at one point to show him listening to her with an utterly captivated look on his face.

And in that moment you realize that he used to look at you like that. Only then do you begin to comprehend what you could have had.

He married her, of course. She didn't have the same insecurities and hang ups that you did. When she found love, she grasped it with both hands. You have drowned most of those old insecurities now. But you are finding dating as a woman with power as difficult as CJ did. And there's no Danny waiting for you in the corner. And you barely speak to your "Toby" anymore. You saw him last month with his children at a Rock the Vote function. His youngest… She looked exactly the way you imagined your children would have looked and it broke your heart.

_And a different life would have been yours for the taking.  
_  
Sometimes, _what could have been_ seems so real it terrifies you. And when that happens, you abandon whatever you were doing and find your husband. You sit on his lap and run your fingers through his impossibly messy curls. You never say what is bothering you, but he always seems to know and wraps his arms around you as he continues to do whatever he's doing. Sometimes, if what he's working on isn't that important or if the Mets are losing, he'll abandon it completely and just hold you. He'll tell you what was going through his mind when he discovered you in his New Hampshire office or how he couldn't help but kiss you when you blew into his hotel room spouting polling numbers, nearly a decade later. He'll speak quietly until your nightmarish thoughts abandon you.

It could have been so different so easily. Thank God it wasn't.


End file.
